Fleurdelacour
07-10-2004, 09:24 AM
The Newius Girlius - a Mary-Sue parody…
Chapter One - Arcatrude-Pandouffle
“Why, oh why couldn’t Hogwarts be in the south of Britain? Why does it have to be in bloody Scotland?” Ron grumbled, accidentally jumping into a puddle as he left the carriage. Hermione pulled some strands of saturated hair out of her damp face.
“I’m almost inclined to agree with you Ron…” Hermione moaned, as she too jumped out of the seemingly horseless carriage and splashed herself and Harry. Harry glared at her, his green eyes focused steadily on Hermione’s face.
“Don’t splash me.” He muttered icily, he shrugged his shoulders and strode on forwards.
“Harry-”
“Don’t bother Hermione, he’s been like that all summer. He just needs space.”
“I know… I know…” Hermione turned around and looked down at the lake below to see Hagrid escorting the first years across the shadowed lake. “Something feels different…”
“Nah, you’re just hungry.”
A few minutes later, tucked up warm in the dry Great Hall…
“Nah, you’re right again, something does feel different.” Ron muttered, his eyes darted towards the doors, then right at that moment, a gaggle of first years entered the hall, Hagrid showing them where to go.
“No, I just got my period Ron… Wasn‘t anything odd at all.” Hermione said matter-of-factly
“Oh… erm ok…”
“Ow!” Harry groaned, his hand hitting his forehead.
“Scar?” Ron asked playing with his fork, looking slightly bored.
“Yes.” Harry said darkly, staring menacingly at the innocent looking first years.
“You’re getting predictable.” Rom muttered darkly. Then suddenly (!) a girl who stood out extraordinarily from the rather demure first years looked over to Harry, Ron and Hermione. “It’s that girl…” Harry muttered, looking at her intently. The girl was in the shadows so Harry and the others couldn’t make out her features, however there seemed to be an invisible glow about her, like radioactive dust. Harry Ron and Hermione couldn’t exactly figure out what, but there was something uniquely pathetic about this unknown girl.
“She won’t be unknown for any longer. Professor McGonagall is there with the hat.” Hermione whispered, their eyes not leaving this solitary girl. McGonagall placed the scruffy Sorting Hat on the stool, and it opened its mouth and began to sing. The first years looked on in awe, but the older students who had grown accustomed to its melodic manner, just waited patiently for their food. However, Harry, Ron and Hermione were desperate to find out who this girl was so they could tuck in to the feast, and they didn’t have long to find out. McGonagall called the first eleven-year old up.
“Arcatrude-Pandouffle, Grazyna.” The girl who the trio had been observing stepped out from the shadows and into the candlelight of the Great Hall. There was a collective gasp from the Hogwarts students as they saw the beauty before them. Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle was taller then her fellow first years, she stood a mighty 5ft 8, her hair billowed out behind her as if there was an invisible wind. Her hair was of an edible wheat colour, and fell to her waist. The moonlight from the enchanted ceiling above made her hair shine like a million diamonds. Grazyna floated over to the stool and sat down gracefully and placed the scruffy hat upon her shimmering head. The Sorting Hat looked a tad confused as if it wasn’t sure where to place the girl. Ten minutes went by and the hat still hadn’t decided. McGonagall and Dumbledore caught each other in the eye, McGonagall didn’t look best pleased. Then finally, after what seemed half the night, the hat came to a conclusion about what house Grazyna ought to be placed in.
“GRYFFINDOR!” The had screamed with the utmost relief, there was a collective groan around the Gryffindor table, the three other houses looked delighted that this odd girl wasn’t placed in their house. Harry, Ron and Hermione gave each other consoling looks.
“We always get the weirdoes… I mean look at the Creeveys.” Ron laughed, his voice barely audible.
“You can hardly talk Ron - All the Weasleys went into Gryffindor and you’re all weirdoes in your own way!” Hermione laughed, lack of food making her act silly. However, Grazyna came to sit down beside Harry and smiled placidly at the trio. Then they noticed her eyes - purple, like the exotic colours of an Asian sari. They stared into Harry’s green pupils as if they were reading his very soul, but she was actually just staring absent mindedly, Luna style.
“Good evening.” She said, her smile now showing a set of white pearly teeth. Her voice was of a different accent. Not of the British Isles, not a sharp Cockney accent, a Northern Geordie or even a Scouse. She was American. “I’m Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle!” Ron had to put his fist in his mouth to try and stifle his laugh, Grazyna didn’t seem to notice. “Who are you?”
“Harry Potter…” Harry waited for the reaction and the glance to his forehead.
“I should have known. Your eyes are full of green demons, and your face is full of much sorrow. I’d also recommend contact lenses for those demons. And who may you be?” Grazyna asked Ron, her gleaming smile never faltering.
“Er, Ron Weasley.” Ron said, attempting to keep a straight face. Grazyna nodded, and then asked Hermione.
“And finally, I have the pleasure of meeting?”
“Hermione Granger.” Hermione smiled at Grazyna in a patronising matter, it was apparent to Ron and Harry that Hermione had taken an immediate dislike to this new girl.
“I’m from America, New York to be precise. What about you three?”
“Surrey.” Harry said, thinking back to those Dursleys.
“Devon.” Ron said contemplatively, thinking back to the Devon ice-cream…
“Kent London borders.” Hermione said, thinking back to well the Kent London borders…
“Oh! REALLY?” Grazyna squealed clapping her hands together. “That’s where Daddy works! We got to see the Big Ben clock thing and everything. I was so excited when Daddy told us we were moving to England-”
“We’re in Scotland now. We’re in Britain. B-r-i-t-a-i-n” Hermione said, trying to keep her face friendly.
“Yeah, right. Yeah anyway, Daddy got a job over at your Ministry, helping your Minister. Oh it’s a very important job. See, I’m really sixteen, not a first year at all, I’m just here until Daddy gets shipped back to the States.”
“Hopefully that won’t be to long.” Ron whispered in Hermione’s ear. Hermione smiled, genuinely this time.
“I hope you enjoy your time here, I guess you’ll be joining our classes.” Then realisation dawned upon Hermione - she would have to share a dormitory with this girl. “And,” she started, in a strained voice, turning slightly to Ron. “then you’ll be joining our dormitory.”
“I guess I will!” Grazyna looked positively delighted.
“Then you ought to meet Parvati and Lavender. Oh, I’m sure you’ll get along wonderfully with them.” Hermione looked down to the table and saw it was laden with food. The feast had begun. “They’re over there, the Asian girl with the braids and the blonde with the burgundy Alice band.”
“I think I’ll be fine just here thanks!” And with that Grazyna helped herself to a scoop of mashed potatoes. Harry, Ron and Hermione all exchanged dark looks. They were rather pissed off with this girl already.
*
Chapter One - Arcatrude-Pandouffle
“Why, oh why couldn’t Hogwarts be in the south of Britain? Why does it have to be in bloody Scotland?” Ron grumbled, accidentally jumping into a puddle as he left the carriage. Hermione pulled some strands of saturated hair out of her damp face.
“I’m almost inclined to agree with you Ron…” Hermione moaned, as she too jumped out of the seemingly horseless carriage and splashed herself and Harry. Harry glared at her, his green eyes focused steadily on Hermione’s face.
“Don’t splash me.” He muttered icily, he shrugged his shoulders and strode on forwards.
“Harry-”
“Don’t bother Hermione, he’s been like that all summer. He just needs space.”
“I know… I know…” Hermione turned around and looked down at the lake below to see Hagrid escorting the first years across the shadowed lake. “Something feels different…”
“Nah, you’re just hungry.”
A few minutes later, tucked up warm in the dry Great Hall…
“Nah, you’re right again, something does feel different.” Ron muttered, his eyes darted towards the doors, then right at that moment, a gaggle of first years entered the hall, Hagrid showing them where to go.
“No, I just got my period Ron… Wasn‘t anything odd at all.” Hermione said matter-of-factly
“Oh… erm ok…”
“Ow!” Harry groaned, his hand hitting his forehead.
“Scar?” Ron asked playing with his fork, looking slightly bored.
“Yes.” Harry said darkly, staring menacingly at the innocent looking first years.
“You’re getting predictable.” Rom muttered darkly. Then suddenly (!) a girl who stood out extraordinarily from the rather demure first years looked over to Harry, Ron and Hermione. “It’s that girl…” Harry muttered, looking at her intently. The girl was in the shadows so Harry and the others couldn’t make out her features, however there seemed to be an invisible glow about her, like radioactive dust. Harry Ron and Hermione couldn’t exactly figure out what, but there was something uniquely pathetic about this unknown girl.
“She won’t be unknown for any longer. Professor McGonagall is there with the hat.” Hermione whispered, their eyes not leaving this solitary girl. McGonagall placed the scruffy Sorting Hat on the stool, and it opened its mouth and began to sing. The first years looked on in awe, but the older students who had grown accustomed to its melodic manner, just waited patiently for their food. However, Harry, Ron and Hermione were desperate to find out who this girl was so they could tuck in to the feast, and they didn’t have long to find out. McGonagall called the first eleven-year old up.
“Arcatrude-Pandouffle, Grazyna.” The girl who the trio had been observing stepped out from the shadows and into the candlelight of the Great Hall. There was a collective gasp from the Hogwarts students as they saw the beauty before them. Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle was taller then her fellow first years, she stood a mighty 5ft 8, her hair billowed out behind her as if there was an invisible wind. Her hair was of an edible wheat colour, and fell to her waist. The moonlight from the enchanted ceiling above made her hair shine like a million diamonds. Grazyna floated over to the stool and sat down gracefully and placed the scruffy hat upon her shimmering head. The Sorting Hat looked a tad confused as if it wasn’t sure where to place the girl. Ten minutes went by and the hat still hadn’t decided. McGonagall and Dumbledore caught each other in the eye, McGonagall didn’t look best pleased. Then finally, after what seemed half the night, the hat came to a conclusion about what house Grazyna ought to be placed in.
“GRYFFINDOR!” The had screamed with the utmost relief, there was a collective groan around the Gryffindor table, the three other houses looked delighted that this odd girl wasn’t placed in their house. Harry, Ron and Hermione gave each other consoling looks.
“We always get the weirdoes… I mean look at the Creeveys.” Ron laughed, his voice barely audible.
“You can hardly talk Ron - All the Weasleys went into Gryffindor and you’re all weirdoes in your own way!” Hermione laughed, lack of food making her act silly. However, Grazyna came to sit down beside Harry and smiled placidly at the trio. Then they noticed her eyes - purple, like the exotic colours of an Asian sari. They stared into Harry’s green pupils as if they were reading his very soul, but she was actually just staring absent mindedly, Luna style.
“Good evening.” She said, her smile now showing a set of white pearly teeth. Her voice was of a different accent. Not of the British Isles, not a sharp Cockney accent, a Northern Geordie or even a Scouse. She was American. “I’m Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle!” Ron had to put his fist in his mouth to try and stifle his laugh, Grazyna didn’t seem to notice. “Who are you?”
“Harry Potter…” Harry waited for the reaction and the glance to his forehead.
“I should have known. Your eyes are full of green demons, and your face is full of much sorrow. I’d also recommend contact lenses for those demons. And who may you be?” Grazyna asked Ron, her gleaming smile never faltering.
“Er, Ron Weasley.” Ron said, attempting to keep a straight face. Grazyna nodded, and then asked Hermione.
“And finally, I have the pleasure of meeting?”
“Hermione Granger.” Hermione smiled at Grazyna in a patronising matter, it was apparent to Ron and Harry that Hermione had taken an immediate dislike to this new girl.
“I’m from America, New York to be precise. What about you three?”
“Surrey.” Harry said, thinking back to those Dursleys.
“Devon.” Ron said contemplatively, thinking back to the Devon ice-cream…
“Kent London borders.” Hermione said, thinking back to well the Kent London borders…
“Oh! REALLY?” Grazyna squealed clapping her hands together. “That’s where Daddy works! We got to see the Big Ben clock thing and everything. I was so excited when Daddy told us we were moving to England-”
“We’re in Scotland now. We’re in Britain. B-r-i-t-a-i-n” Hermione said, trying to keep her face friendly.
“Yeah, right. Yeah anyway, Daddy got a job over at your Ministry, helping your Minister. Oh it’s a very important job. See, I’m really sixteen, not a first year at all, I’m just here until Daddy gets shipped back to the States.”
“Hopefully that won’t be to long.” Ron whispered in Hermione’s ear. Hermione smiled, genuinely this time.
“I hope you enjoy your time here, I guess you’ll be joining our classes.” Then realisation dawned upon Hermione - she would have to share a dormitory with this girl. “And,” she started, in a strained voice, turning slightly to Ron. “then you’ll be joining our dormitory.”
“I guess I will!” Grazyna looked positively delighted.
“Then you ought to meet Parvati and Lavender. Oh, I’m sure you’ll get along wonderfully with them.” Hermione looked down to the table and saw it was laden with food. The feast had begun. “They’re over there, the Asian girl with the braids and the blonde with the burgundy Alice band.”
“I think I’ll be fine just here thanks!” And with that Grazyna helped herself to a scoop of mashed potatoes. Harry, Ron and Hermione all exchanged dark looks. They were rather pissed off with this girl already.
*